This is scary.

What’s also scary? Living in the modern world without Major League Baseball. From November to April, we’re expected to go on pretending like everything is normal. No box scores. No day/night splits. No minor league callups. No home runs, bunts or 5-4-3 double plays. Well, you know what? I’m not going to pretend. Making it through yet another gloomy, boring winter without the aid of professional baseball is a frickin’ drag. This said, we made it. I made it. You made it. We (somehow) did it. And, now, baseball is back. April is around the corner. The sun is starting to stick around. And I’m psyched. It should be a great year for the game. (Actually, if you love baseball, it’s always a great year for the game. Even when the world around baseball is exploding, or the game is plagued with scandals and media-induced drama, baseball is still baseball. There’s a field. A diamond. Grass. Dirt. Gloves. Bats. A baseball. Talented players and worn-out coaches. Ah, I love it.)

OK. Enough moping. Onto the races.

Oh, yeah. One quick thing. Remember, kids: Don’t play fantasy baseball. It’s bad for you. Really. It is. And so are sabermetrics. Like drugs, both will ruin your life.

All right. Play ball!

American League East
Or, as I like to call it, the United States of America. You’ve got your rich snobs (the New York Yankees). Your rich but tolerable people (the Boston Red Sox). Your middle class (the Toronto Blue Jays - yeah, they’re in Toronto. So what?). Your working class (the Tampa Bay Rays). And the utterly disenfranchised (the Baltimore Orioles). It’s all there. One big beautiful melting pot. Just like our forefathers intended.

Boston - Heading into April, the Red Sox possess one of the most potent and versatile rosters in recent memory. Factor in that Manny Ramirez is in a contract year - who knew Ramirez remembered how to report to camp in shape? - the Red Sox are coming off their second World Series title in four years, and Boston’s youth movement is a year older, and Red Sox Nation is about to get totally annoying.

Toronto - If Roy Halladay and A.J. Burnett can stay healthy, the Blue Jays could hang with the Red Sox until mid-September and take the American League wild card. If not, remember Toronto: you’ll always have George Bell.

New York - The Yanks keep forgetting you have to good pitching to win at baseball. Trust me, Hank; it helps.

Tampa - Contending for my favorite team to watch that won’t hit the 75-win mark, the Rays are doing things right. Starting pitchers Scott Kazmir, James Shields and Matt Garza have the potential to be a potent 1-2-3 attack. Meanwhile, Carl Crawford and B.J. Upton have Vince Coleman/Willie McGee written all over them. Watch the Rays. And believe.

Baltimore - Eh. I’d rather devour Season 3 of “The Wire” for the fifth time than watch an Orioles game. Will someone please remind Peter Angelos the objective of playing a game is to win?  I feel bad for Nick Markakis. Only Andy McPhail could save this franchise. Maybe he eventually will.

Predicted order of finish:
1.) Boston Red Sox
2.) Toronto Blue Jays
3.) New York Yankees
4.) Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays
5.) Baltimore Orioles

American League Central
Or, as I like to call it, the best, most-awesome frickin’ division in all of baseball. Man. How good is Detroit? How good is Cleveland? How interesting is Kansas City? All three are better and more worth your time than most crappy modern novels. Anyone want to buy me the “Extra Innings” package?

Cleveland - Grady Sizemore is everything a baseball player should be. So is C.C. Sabathia. Eric Wedge might be the best manager in the game. And Cleveland should have won the A.L. last year. If the bottom of the Indians’ starting rotation can support Sabathia and Fausto Carmona, it’s going to be a long year for the rest of the American League.

Detroit - I’ve been thinking Detroit is a cool city for years. You’ve got the Pistons, you’ve got the Tigers, you’ve got Motown …Yeah. See? That’s a lot of cool stuff. The Tigers are going to destroy teams this year. I don’t know how else to put it. Unless Curtis Granderson gets hurt (oops). Or Kenny Rogers gets old (eh … ). Or Dontrelle Willis continues his slide. Or their bullpen falls apart. Or …

Chicago - I wish Ozzie Guillen managed that other team in Chicago.

Kansas City - My other favorite team to watch that won’t hit the 75-win mark.

Minnesota - Dear fans of the Twins and Timberwolves: I’m really sorry your pro baseball and basketball teams now totally suck.

Predicted order of finish:
1.) Cleveland Indians
2.) Detroit Tigers
3.) Chicago White Sox
4.) Kansas City Royals
5.) Minnesota Twins

American League West
Otherwise known as the most boring and pointless division in baseball. Let’s see. The Angels will be good, but not good enough. Ichiro Suzuki will carry the Mariners, while Richie Sexton will wonder how in the world he’s still getting payed to play baseball. The Rangers won’t have any pitching. And the A’s will undertake a youth movement dictated by the fact that Bud Selig is convinced everything in baseball is A-OK. All right. Moving on …

Predicted order of finish:
1.) The not really in Los Angeles Angels
2.) Seattle Mariners
3.) Texas Rangers
4.) Oakland Athletics

p.s. Need more proof that the A.L. West is a laugher? There’s only four teams. What a joke!

Boom of the Year: Rich Harden

Bust of the Year: Nick Swisher

American League MVP: Magglio Ordonez

American League Cy Young: Fausto Carmona

American League Wild Card: Detroit Tigers

American League Champion: Cleveland Indians

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National League East
The home of real baseball. The Mets, Phillies and Braves all look playoff-worthy. The Nationals are on the rise. And the Marlins are the best Triple-A club in the game. I wish people like John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, David Wright, Jimmy Rollins, Pedro Martinez, Bobby Cox, Ryan Howard and Chipper Jones would stay in the game forever. The N.L. East has more drama than Hollywood on a daily basis.

Atlanta - Smoltz, Glavine and Tim Hudson give the Braves a major edge in a pitching-weak division. Chipper Jones, Brian McCann, Jeff Francoeur and Mark Teixeira are fearsome. The Braves’ bullpen is improving. And Cox is the best manager in the game. Break out the tomahawks.

New York - Another team in New York that can’t seem to remember you need pitching to win. Interesting.

Philadelphia - Some serious answers (Howard, Rollins, Chase Utley, Cole Hamels), but way too many questions. Break out the batteries.

Washington - My third-favorite team to watch that won’t hit the 75-win mark.

Florida - Choose your own adventure: Someone gives you free tickets to either a Marlins or Dolphins game, but you can only go to one. Which path do you decide to take?

Predicted order of finish:
1.) Atlanta Braves
2.) New York Mets
3.) Philadelphia Phillies
4.) Washington Nationals
5.) Florida Marlins

National League Central
How come the N.L. Central has six teams and the A.L. West only has four? Oh, yeah. Right. Because they play real baseball in the N.L. Central.

The Cubs look good, but they also looked good at the start of the 2007 season. The Brewers are a year older and have the most raw talent. And don’t be surprised if the Reds make a strong run, then fade.

Milwaukee - Brewers fans deserve a trip to the playoffs, and they should get one this year.

Chicago - Still way too many questions for a team that possesses some of the best players in the game. How do you not make it to the World Series with Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano, Carlos Marmol and Ted Lilly on your roster? You’re the Cubs.

Cincinnati - The talent is there. Their first two starters are top-notch. And Dusty Baker was the right choice. The Reds might be the best kept secret in MLB.

St. Louis - If I was the general manager of the Cardinals, and I had Albert Pujols on my team, I’d figure something out - quick.

Houston - The curse of The Rocket.

Pittsburgh - The Steelers should be pretty good next season.

Predicted order of finish:
1.) Milwaukee Brewers
2.) Chicago Cubs
3.) Cincinnati Reds
4.) St. Louis Cardinals
5.) Houston Astros
6.) Pittsburgh Pirates

National League West
Where pitching rules and hitting is but a dream.

San Diego - Kevin Towers is the best GM in baseball. And how come everyone’s jumped on the Brandon Webb-Dan Haren bandwagon, but ignored the two-headed monster that is Chris Young and Jake Peavy? Throw in the greatest pitcher of the modern era (Greg Maddux) and a strong farm system, and I’ll take the Pads while the D’Backs, Dodgers and Rockies cancel each other out.

Arizona - Yeah, their rotation is impressive. But it also helps to have hitting.

Los Angeles - A sleeper. If everything comes together, the Dodgers could surprise. If not, L.A.’s favorite team could be a mess.

Colorado - One and done for the Rocks.

San Francisco - There’s a reason everyone’s picking the Giants to finish last.

Predicted order of finish:
1.) San Diego Padres
2.) Arizona Diamondbacks
3.) Los Angeles Dodgers
4.) Colorado Rockies
5.) San Francisco Giants

Boom of the Year: Alfonso Soriano

Bust of the Year: Carlos Delgado

National League MVP: Mark Teixeira

National League Cy Young: Carlos Zambrano

National League Wild Card: Chicago Cubs

National League Champion: Milwaukee Brewers

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World Series Champion: Cleveland Indians