By Aaron Littleton
Production Coordinator / TriCities.com
Published: September 19, 2008

Our neighbors down I-81 may be dealing with that most secretive and manipulative of secret, manipulative organizations - the Illuminati.  Or, you know, a kid trying to get some experience points.

I’m going to have to guess the latter.

Apparently, police received a call from 25 year old Richard Smith, telling them that he was stuck in an air conditioning duct inside the Knoxville Museum of Art.  Surely mystified by the call, KPD arrived on scene and found a rope trailing down into an air duct on the roof.  Inside the duct, they found Smith, who promptly informed them that he had failed his mission and spilled the beans about being a secret agent for the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931.  He further went on to tell police that he had been sent on a mission by “Director Womack” that the police report says was to “Defuse and Confiscate a Soviet made MERV 6 SS-22AN war head with a 14.5 Kilogram of enriched Uranium and a Plutonium Trigger capable of delivering a 40 Kiloton yield.“

The nuke was supposedly hidden inside a blue cow sculpture in the basement of the museum.

Anyway, long story short, Smith says the mission was called off in mid-heist and he was informed by his Illuminati superiors that had made a mistake and the device was actually in a museum in Memphis.  I’m not sure about Smith, but I think at the point that my shadow government of choice couldn’t tell the difference between Knoxville and Memphis, I would begin to have serious doubts about their ability to govern the world.

Smith’s CH2 Huey that he supposedly repelled onto the roof from also failed to materialize, but police did find an ash tray pushed up against the side of the roof that they believe he used to climb on top from.  Smith was charged with aggravated burglary and taken to the clink.

Download the police report here.

I’m going to go far out on a limb here and guess that this kid was actually NOT a part of the Illuminati.  If he was, they’ve greatly decreased their standards of admittance since I last checked.  However, it does bring up a good point about secretive organizations - real and imaginary.  Have one that you love, or love to hate?  Want to talk about it?

Comments, folks!  Put them in there!